Ronnie Nurss.com

How to Build an Invaluable Inner Circle

One key goal I set for 2010 is to watch the words I use and harness the power they can have on myself and those I speak with.  Language is extremely powerful in how we perceive ourselves and connect with others.  Basically, the words you choose, consciously or subconsciously, determine your reputation, the influence you cast on others and the respect you receive.  Ultimately, the words you speak with can affect the quality and value of your overall network, both business and personal.

Here are two effective ways to help harness the power of words and using them to not just earn respect and have your thoughts valued, but much, much more.

Never Complain

The book “The Art of Worldy Wisdom” by Baltasar Gracian touches on one aspect of this;

#129 “Never complain.  Complaints will always discredit you.  Rather than compassion and consolation, they provoke passion and insolence, and encourage those who hear our complaints to behave like those we complain about.”

Reading this was like getting slapped in the face with a stamp that colors “GUILTY”.   I barely noticed it consciously before.  It’s even more of a trip to just keep tallies and count how many complaints you hear throughout the day.  Look at this way; when you are complaining or listening to someone complain, are they happy or pissed off?  Are they positive or negative?  Constructive or whiny?  Making actions or just excuses?  More important, would you want to hang out with, or do business, with these people?

Genuine Praise

Baltasar Gracian continues…

“It is better policy to praise the favors others have done for you, so as to win still more of them.  When you tell how those absent have favored you, you are asking those present to do the same, and pay in the same coin.  The prudent person should never publicize dishonor or slights, only the esteem others have shown him.  Thus he will have friends and halve his enemies.”

Wow.  I took the sandwich out of my mouth and repeated that again, just in case I misunderstood….When you tell how those absent have favored you, you are asking those present to do the same. This is how powerful the words you choose to speak with can influence those around you.

Think about it.  You are hanging out with someone who you looked up to, value their friendship tremendously, or highly respect.  Whenever they talk about someone who is not present, it is always focusing on praise or highlights a good quality that person has.  Whenever they talk about their friends, they have nothing but praise for them. Your thinking, “Damn!  This person surrounds himself with great people.”  Chances are, if you also want to form a mutually beneficial relationship with this person, you’ll step your game up and try to emulate the people they praise.

Genuine Praise (keyword is genuine) of people and friends when they are not present to others is an effective tool on so many levels.  You’ll be more positive.  It helps promote and refer your friends for opportunities, and you’ll be known as a great connector, which your friends will highly appreciate.  And ultimately, it helps set the standards for those who aspire to associate with you. This is a great stepping stone towards building an invaluable, mutual benefiting network of friends and bad-asses.

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Why You Should Never Settle for Comfort

“Any given moment, a man’s growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear.” – From the book, “The Way of the Superior Man”

People are comfortable today. Too comfortable.  Left and right I see people let their fears tame their lifestyle and give themselves in.  They accept to settle with the cards they are dealt in life, rather checking than strategically betting..  These are the people that do just “good enough”.

Or some people can’t handle being comfortable, to the point of pushing themself too much, pushing beyond their capacity.  These are the people that never check, but constantly bluff, overusing the cards they have. They think they’re being productive, but in reality their exhausting themselves with unnecessary stress, not enjoying the experience, the present.  There is a difference between being productive and busy, and these people are the ones that are “busy”.

David Deida puts it perfectly from his book;

“Most men either settle for the easy path or self-aggrandize themselves by taking the extreme hard path.”

And essentially….

“Both approaches avoid your actual condition in the moment, which is often fear.”

The fear that Deida is writing about is why most people will take these two routes.  The easy route because their fears inhibits them, downsizing their goals and dreams.  The extremely hard route usually because imbalance like that stems from insecurities that push them.

The goal is to find the sweet spot, the balance; leaning just beyond your edge, your fear.  This is where one can optimize their growth.  Here are the steps to reach this:

Discover your fear(s) and turn them into your friend

“Your fear is the sharpest definition of yourself.” – David Deida

Fear is what keeps you back from doing what you want to do.  You feel it daily.  Make it a goal to take note daily when you sense your fear. When you don’t do, or say, something you want to do.  Be completely honest with yourself and acknowledge your true fear.

Once you can identify this fear, make it your friend, not your enemy.  Use it like a gage that alerts you when you are encountering your edge.  Instead of backing out, acknowledge it, and use it as strength.  Continual practice of this will allow you to become comfortable with fear, look forward to pushing your edge, and essentially, allowing you to grow.

Take a risk and Challenge your limits

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” – Paulo Coelho

Now that you have identified your fear, your edge, and made it your friend, challenge it.  This involves taking a risk, which is needed for growth.  The key is to not rush and push too deep. Take small steps.

I had a mentor that called this “Step closer, stay longer”.  He used the example of a kid being afraid of water.  The kid would feel uneasy just by looking at a pool, let alone stand near one.  This kid decided to challenge this fear.  He started out standing 20 feet from a pool for as long as he can, feeling his fear.  A day later, he would take a step closer, and stay longer.  Another day, another step, with a longer stay.  With each day passing, and him becoming more comfortable being near the pool, he no longer feared the water.  He continually pushed beyond his edge, his fear, and eventually broke free from it.

Do so with an open heart

Challenge your limits with an open heart.  This means, you push yourself into a state of unknowingness, uncertainty.  Take the risk by Pre-Accepting Failure.  You cannot predict the outcome.  Just trust yourself and your instincts.  This is where time seems to stop, and you are completely focused on the task, the challenge at hand.

If you are an athlete or play sports, this the same state of mind as “being in the zone”.  When I played high school basketball, I would enter this state frequently.  It’s the fourth quarter and the team is down by two points.  My team pushes up the floor with 18 seconds left. I catch a pass, pump fake a shot, dribble and attack the rim. I get fouled on the way up and earn two free throws.  10 seconds left.  As the visiting team, the home fans are yelling, stomping, anything to distract and intimidate me.  I can tie the game with two made free throws, and everyone in the gym knows that.  I take deep breaths and just soak everything in.  I recognized my fear, and use it as my friend instead of my enemy. I’m tired, mentally and physically, but this becomes my asset and gives me hope, optimism, faith.  I bounce the ball, focusing on my challenge at hand, and blocking out all distractions.  I would pre-accept failure and with an open heart. I trust myself and my skill. I become completely focused on the present, not the outcome, savoring the experience. I smile to myself and prepare to shoot.  The ball leaves my hand and the whole gym goes silent….

David Deida sums it up perfectly.  “Lean just slightly beyond the edge of fear and discomfort. Constantly. In everything you do.”  Truly own your fear(s) and challenge it.  Do this in every aspect of life and optimize your growth as a person.

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A Secret to Enjoying Any Situation Fearlessly

I’ve learned an awesome philosophy from one of my mentors recently. If practiced daily, it can allow you to enjoy any activity or situation you come across in life without the burden of fear, or any negative feeling and emotion; embarrassment, regret, etc. It’s especially perfect for those situations that you have always wanted to experience, but in the end, your fear wins you over and you go home.

It’s called Pre-Acceptance of Failure. It’s simple yet extremely effective if used correctly. Before you attempt to do anything, and it could be anything (playing a game or sport, approaching someone), allow yourself to pre-accept failure; acknowledge the fact that you might lose, might get rejected, basically fail. When you realize and accept this, you know you might fail, the fear of outcome is no longer a burden. The fear of outcome will not drive you nuts, make you not concentrate, make you mess up and choke. Instead, you can completely concentrate and simply do the best you can do, be the best you can be.

When you let go the fear of outcome; not knowing what might happen, you are free to just do your best. Result does not matter to you, the destination is pointless to you. What simply matters now is the experience, the journey. You always hear “Its the journey, not the destination” for a reason, and this is why.

So once you have given up your fear of outcome, the next and final step is to remove doubt. Sure you have now eliminated your fear of outcome, but you might find yourself doubting your skills, whatever. You have to remove doubt, and replace it with commitment. Picture fear as a break, and doubt holds you back. You eliminated the break, so whats left is either doubt or commitment. Commitment is complete absence of fear. So after you have eliminated the fear of outcome, all you have to next is go into whatever situation you go into with full commitment. The commitment of “I’ll do the best I can, win or lose(success or fail). Its the journey, not the destination.”

I have personally been practicing this daily. You could use this philosophy for situations basically every minute. You find yourself competing in a sport, wanting to approach a person; stranger, friend or family.

I found myself playing basketball with friends, and the fear of losing really catches up to me, and usually affects my game for the best or the worse. If I lose, I am pissed. But I’ll tell you what. When you forget about the result, pre-accept you might fail; your let loose from any fear of outcome, and you can just fucking have fun and actually enjoy the experience, win or lose. Its an amazing feeling.

Finaly do the thing you have always wanted to do. Let your boss know how you feel, approach a distant friend, any situation that you have stopped yourself from doing because of your fear of the outcome. It’s a blast and ultimate high when you can enjoy an activity with absolutely no fear – we’ve all been there. Imagine doing it everday though. I encourage you to try out the Pre-Acceptance of Failure, and let me know how it goes for you.

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Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Worrying about other people seems to be a common theme I notice, among myself, men and women, young and old, that rules people’s thoughts and essentially their minds. Its everywhere; gossip magazines about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, the constant slandering of those who make mistakes, and the envy of those who triumph. It’s damn irritating and mentally disgusting for me to observe this, and even worse, when I catch myself doing it every day.

In book three of Meditations, Marcus Aurelius states it best.

“Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people – unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful.”

Marcus Aurelius continues on about how constantly worrying and thinking about how others are living their lives keeps you from actually living your own, essentially “..keep you from focusing on your own mind.”

If you want reach whatever potential, or limit, of productivity and efficiency in anything you want in your life; be it career, relationships, yourself…then ditch the habit of wasting any more mental RAM on things that are random, irrelevant, and negative.

It’s hard as hell to control your thoughts, I know that. It takes effort. Consistent effort. Here are some ways to help you stop worrying about others (this doesnt mean “not caring for others”. Simply stop worrying about others, and focus on yourself), and ultimately focus on you.

• Meditation – Do what suits you, doesn’t have to be meditation. You could pray, anything that allows you Meditative Isolation (check out Ryan Holiday’s post). Meditation is nice, because you try to think about nothing, draining everything out. You stop worrying, and instead you observe your thoughts.
• Control what you can – Remind yourself the only things you have full control over is your thoughts, and what you give (how your react, etc). You can’t control other people and what they do. Even more reason to focus on what you can control in life – You.
• Sweat it out – Go for a run, work out, play some ball with friends. I personal find that doing healthy activites that keep you fit physically will also benefit you just as much mentally.
• Write – I will always promote keeping a journal or notebook handy to express yourself in. Writing does wonders, and allows you to focus on you and really grow as an individual. Do this routinely.

It’s probably the hardest thing to do in life – controlling your thoughts. But “nothing is easy, and who wants nothing?”. Stop worrying about others (unless its for common good) and focus on yourself. Stop worrying about past or future, control what you can – the present. Dont Worry, Be Happy.

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Why Gen Y Should Have a Gym Membership (or work there!)

For the past three years I have worked part-time at a private gym, or as tennis players call it, a club. At first, being the oblivious teenage kid I was, I only looked at the gym and my job as a paycheck that covered gas, food, and party essentials.

I started reading, writing, and graduated high school. I have grown up, and finally, realized exactly how much I have benefited from working and being involved with a gym. I have made very rewarding friendships, gained experience in interpersonal communication, gained mentors, and for the most part, stayed relatively healthy and fit.

If you could get part-time job at a gym, preferably night shifts, you surround yourself with healthy and motivated people, free membership, and usually ample time for homework, reading, and other projects. I’m not just going to preach why you should work at a gym part-time, but also highlight the huge benefits of utilizing a gym to the max.

• Obviously living a healthy and positive lifestyle: For whatever you want to accomplish in life, it makes sense to first put yourself in the right environment related to you what you want to accomplish. If I want to relax and read a book, I will put myself in the right environment. To become more healthy and exercise, a gym is the environment that will motivate you to work out.
• Social Interaction with positive people: This is huge. Sure you can curl and do push ups at home (or office) by yourself…but there is something unique about working out at a gym. You could call it social interaction. As long as you find the right gym to suit your specific needs, you’ll no doubt meet interesting people. Also, with two people at a gym, you automatically share something in common, which makes it hundreds times easier to start conversation.
• Place of solitude: If your pissed off and have had a shitty day, or if you got into an argument with someone you live with, you just want to get out. A gym is perfect for these instances. Hitting the weights, playing a sport, running or biking, whatever it is, serves as perhaps the most healthy and positive outlet to lose those negative thoughts and escape. Most gyms has jacuzzi’s, saunas, or steam rooms. Whether your wanna work out the stress or relax and forget your troubles, a gym is easily the best destination.
• Learn something new, and learn more about yourself: Depending on what type of gym you have membership with, they can offer classes to learn yoga, aerobics, dancing, tennis, basketball, the list goes on. I have learn to play racquetball (an awesome sport for rainy days) and I plan to take some Tia Chi classes here soon. Besides learning new activities, hobbies, or sports, you overall learn more about yourself. You learn more about your commitment, your body, your relationships, and how do deal with stress. Perhaps not too many people notice, but working out at a gym is also a form of meditative isolation. People have told me they do their best thinking at the gym. You learn something new physically, but also mentally.

My big point is; Generation Y should strongly consider joining a private gym. Some say its too expensive, or can find more affordable alternatives. But I look at it with opportunity cost. The friendships I have made, and seen others made as well, BY FAR, are worth more than they had paid for the membership. You will live a healthier lifestyle. You can gain new hobbies. You will have an awesome outlet to release daily stress. If you take full advantage of what gyms could offer, the last thing you should think about is the monthly membership rates.

Or you can try and work part-time at one, and get that free membership!

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The Importance of Summer Goals

Finals are finished and the summer has already snuck up on me. After seriously take deep relaxation and catching up on sleep lost during finals week, its time to evaluate what I want to do this summer. I normally coast through summer with no defined goals and things to accomplish.

Sure everyone has the basics; like saving money, travel and to leave with memorable and fun times, maybe complete summer school. For many college students, the summer can be the perfect launch pad for the near future. With a surplus of free time, summer goals can help position yourself to reach and accomplish your big long term goals for the next couple years . I plan to use this summer to experiment in practicing lifestyle design, along with goals to making a better, newer, stronger version of myself. So here are a few of my goals to accomplish this summer….in no particular order.

• Build solid relationships with new people, and enhance present relationships
• Meditate 15 minutes each morning
• Thoroughly read and study 1 book a week – expand my library
• Find an ideal apartment/condo downtown or in midtown, near Sac State
• Experience Yosemite
• Watch David Beckham and the LA Galaxy play live
• Continue building my website
• Maintain work out regimen, 3 times a week
• Learn to play the acoustic guitar
• Practice and improve my Spanish
• Revamp and restart the Financial Fraternity
• Get published in a newspaper and magazine
• Find more mentors and meet new influential people
• Start savings for my 2010 South Africa trip for the World Cup
• Attend 3 seminars

Definitely take the time, preferably with a good friend or a goal buddy, and map out clearly defined goals to accomplish this summer. Goals do not have to be serious and all business; make goals to have fun and experience enjoyable times with good people. Become a better, faster, stronger version of yourself by making goals to have a kick-ass summer.

I will be posting my progress of certain goals throughout the summer. Chances are, I will be constantly adding more goals to the list as during my summer encounters.

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Why Gen-Y Should Practice Meditation

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” – Buddha

For the past 6 months I have waken up every Friday morning at 6 AM to participate in a meditation club. I was lured to “Mind Your Business Club” by my friend Grant. Basically, we have 30 minutes of meditation, followed by 30 minutes of discussion related to meditation, Buddhism, and everyday life. I never quite understood the point of meditation. The only thought that came to mind of meditation was Yoda, who I thought was a true badass, so I decided to give it a go.

Basically, I have come to love meditation, and try to practice it whenever I can. Meditation is also something I believe Generation Y should atleast learn about and try. In our generation, when we have an abundance in material goods and satisfactions, it is even more imperative to seek self-fullfillment and self-happiness. Meditation can be one avenue to achieve that.

There can be huge benefits to anyone who decides to take meditation seriously.

• Deeper Levels of Relaxation and Reduces Stress: Honestly, I have never met anyone my age, or any age for that matter, that says they have to much relaxation. American Society seems to be a hot zone for stress. This is one benefit any can enjoy.
• Observe and Control Your Own Thoughts: While meditating, you want to focus on your deep breathing. The goal is not to focus on one dominant thought. Hundreds of thoughts will pop up, and you just let them pass. “Think about nothing”. This is extremely difficult, and becomes easier with practice. Its great though, for you can sit back and see what really is on your mind in a contolled and relaxed manner. Not when your pissed off in traffic or vulnerable to make a fool of yourself in the moment. You seriously become your thoughts. Why not learn how to observe and control them?
• Improve Concentration: While you attempt to obserce and control your own thoughts you will build your skill of concentration. In a information-packed world with literally thousands of distractions every minute, concentration is important. Concentrating on your breaths, and not giving into any one particular thought during meditation, will allow you to become better self-controlled and allow you to concentrate better in other aspects of life – work, school, etc. The more concentrated you can become, the more efficient you will be.
• Better Understanding of Yourself and the World Around You: As you meditate, you really see a movie of all your thoughts before your eyes. You will notice which thoughts come up more, which seem to bother you the most, etc. Also, as you meditate, you can observe your thoughts without all the prejudices and other negative factors you might carry with yourself throughout the day. Since your more relaxed and more concentrated, you can better understand the daily issues that arise. This is huge to better understanding your school issues, work, relationships, and overall, your purpose and motivations in life.

Just start out trying to meditate 5 minutes a day in the morning, at lunch, or before you go to bed. Meditation is one way to live a more balanced life. And the more balanced you are, the more stress-free you tend to be. Meditation is one thing I believe all Generation Y should consider and practice.

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“He who laughs last doesn’t get it”

I realize more and more the gift of Laughter. Laughing is healthy for you and obviously makes things more fun. Besides releasing endorphins and increading your heartrate, its great for relationships socially and in the workplace. According to Robert Provine, from the book A Whole New Mind, laughter has more to do with relationships than jokes. The best times and memories I share with people close to me are all something I could laugh back on. And seriously, some of the best ab workouts I’ve had are due to laughing.

Laughing in particular is also extremely beneficial for the workplace, according to this article from Forbes. People who can laugh tend to be more creative, as laughing comes from the right-side of the brain, and people who can laugh together often can work together. If you do a group project or you meet someone for the first time, and you go for the opportunity to try and share a laugh with your new acquaintance, there is no harsher feeling than being rejected. Being able to laugh with others, and yes, sometimes at yourself, you can develop more meaningful relationships, more pleasant to be around, and hey, live happier and healthier.

With this in mind, I’m going to check out a Laughter Club, as there are a couple here in Sacramento. It combines elements of yoga, meditation, aerobics, and social contact, according to A Whole New Mind. You could probably find one in your area here. Try and notice how much, or how little, you laugh daily.  Laughing can definitely enhance the way people experience relationships, school and work, and life.  Seriously, this no laughing matter.

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Life is like a Metaphor

Metaphor is the understanding of one thing in terms of something else, and is a product of Right-brain thinking.  The book, A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink, stresses the importance of developing and using Right-brain thinking in the businesses world and life. 

Left brain = literal and textual.  Right brain = metaphorical and contextual.  Knowledge workers tend to be dominated by left-brain thinking.  Practicing to balance both sides will be crucial for business and life in the future or globalization and self-fullfillment and happiness. 

 George Lakoff writes that metaphor is central to reason, and believes that human thought processes are largely metaphorical.  Lakoff says that metaphors are central to development of thought, and how we think metaphorically in nature.

Metaphorical thinking helps us understand others, which will be crucial in business as we will come into contact and work with people of diverse backgrounds in the forms of collaboration. 

Besides in the business world, and as Pink notes, that the more material benefits and comforts brought to use by abundance will matter much less than the metaphors by which we live by.  As Lakoff explains, “A large part of self-understanding is the search for the appropiate personal metaphors that make sense of our lives.”

Realizing, understanding and thinking more metaphorically are great tools to consider using while dealing with life and work.  Metaphors are creative, fun, and can connect people together powerfully.  As Pink caps it off, the more we understand methapor, the more we understand ourselves.

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Set a Designated BS Day

Probably my worst habit is bullshitting on the internet.  Second is worrying about small things.  For any bad habits you have, I’m sure I’m not alone when I spend, actually waste, countless hours on these habits.  I’ll go on the internet to check something out related to school, then I will get sucked into what I call “BS Surfing”.  I just randomly surf the internet and wasting time on things that arn’t relevant to anything I am trying to accomplish.

The same goes for worrying about everyday problems.  I once read one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes:  “I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”   I also waste too much energy and time worrying about totally irrelevant BS. 

So starting from now on, I will simply keep a small notepad labeled “BS”.  If I find any urges to research something, or worry about something, I will write it down on my BS list, and move on.  I will then dedicate a part of one day a week, for me Sunday afternoons, to go crazy on researching any BS I want to, and also contemplate about any of the small worries that bothered me during the week.

 You’ll find that you will no longer have the need to research what you wanted, and you will most likely laugh at all the small things you worried about.  Basically, to make my life more efficient, I’m going to expiriment by batching my “BS” time wasters together on my designated BS day.

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