Now that we have turned a potential conflict meltdown into a positive argument and discussion, its time to incorporate a few tricks to get your intended message across successfully.

Now that you have the person comfortable with you and not in defensive mode, it is safe to start progressing towards recommending your opinions and suggestions, and ultimately influencing the person.  Using the tricks in the previous post, the person is now open minded and able to comprehend whatever you say with respect. 

If the your goal is to point out a flaw or a mistake the person made, begin with praise and sincere appreciation.  Also, remember to ask before giving your opinion!  Too many times people just jump straight to criticism, often unwanted criticism.  People are more open to suggestions and criticism when they are prepared for it, as well as being in a comfortable and appropriate setting.  Establish your  confidence and appreciation for the person, and then ask to offer your suggestions.

A trick I try to practice daily is one I found from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends & Inlfuence People.  It is amazing of the power words have in discussion, particularly in arguments.  One simple tip is replacing a word like “but” with “and”.  Here is an example:

“You are a great basketball player, and if you practice your left hand, you would be even greater.”

This sounds much more pleasing and positive than this:

“You are a great basketball player, but if you practice your left hand, you would be even greater.”

“And” flows and sounds alot more pleasing and effective than “but”.  Use your words wisely, and strategically use or replace words to enhance your intended message.

I have found from personal experience that when you admit or tell the person of a mistake you have made in the past, it sets up an appropiate manner for you to suggest your opinioin or recommendation as opposed to just saying it.  This allows the person to feel and relate to you, like being on the same level, knowing what that person is experiencing.  Admitting a mistake shows you too are imperfect and gives you credentials to be able to analyze the situation and talk about it, having the backing ofpersonal experience.  I will no doubt take the advice from someone who has been there before, as opposed to someone who hasnt. 

 With the few tricks mentioned here, you can begin to really communicate your intended message across effectively and successfully, and have influence on the person.  Hopefully after these 3 steps, you can look forward to arguments and hopefully grow the relationship, and as a person, by handling arguments effectively.

Transitioning from the first step, remember these two rules before further advancement into the argument. No yelling is allowed, because it will get you no where, does not solve anything long term, and you will most likely regret it later. Also, keeping an open mind is imperative. With these two rules in mind, it is not time for you to listen, and it does take hard work to listen actively. It wouldn’t hurt either, with your loved on or friends you tend to get into heated arguments with, to set a mutual rule:

The Yelling Rule: Make a pact with the person that when one person yells, the other should completely listen, because there is ZERO communication when two people yell at the same time. If you must absolutely yell, or it slips, which happens, this is a nice pact to fall back on. Honestly, two people yelling at each other is the worst, so avoid it at all costs.

One awesome listening technique that I have picked up is from the book, How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. The author calls it “Empty their tanks”. Basically, people love to talk, so naturally let them, first. Lowndes explains that you cannot pump more gas into a tank that is full, and the same is exactly true with people. The other person’s head is filled with their own thoughts, prejudices, emotions, opinions, etc. They will not comprehend anything you tell them! So let them “drain their tank” and you will see a huge difference in how they act now that their mind is clear. Simply listen, and then talk once they feel they are done, they will feel bad, and will want you to talk! Amazing. Try it and it you will have the full attention of the person every time.

Never accuse someone of being “wrong”. According to Dale Carnegie’s famous book, Win Friends and Influence People, let the other person do all the talking, while you gain insight on their views and opinions. First, you will learn more about that person, and it shows a great deal of respect. It shows the other person you really are interested in them, and it is important for you to solve their issue. If you must let the person know they are wrong, admit that your wrong first, or have been wrong one time, emphatically. Shows you two are alike, can relate, your on the same level, and the person will be way more comfortable.

Paraphrasing works like a charm in arguments too, especially helping yourself to be a better listener. Paraphrasing develops a sense of mutual understanding between two people, and it will earn you much respect again for showing your interest in helping this person solve the issue. They will then in return feel obliged to do the same when its your turn.

A very interesting technique off of Steve Pavlina’s website, is “Verbal Martial Arts”. Basically, if someone attacks you, counter attack not with an attack back, but ask questions. If they attack you and say you are forgetful, instead of being defensive, explore why they feel that way by asking questions like “Do you really feel that way?” or “Why do you think that way”. This then makes them think really deep inside what the real cause is, not just acting out pure frustration or anger. Never attack back if you are attacked in arguments. This technique will make the attacker realize what they have just said, and re-evaluate the situation. You learn why they feel how they do, and you cause them to learn or reach deep inside as well. Often when people attack others, they act out of raw emotions that run high, not necessarily what they really feel. This technique will improve your relationships with the right people tremendously.

As you practice these techniques, you will naturally feel more comfortable and relaxed using them. You also avoid unnecessary confrontation, yelling, and be able to transition an argument into a deep discussion. You will actually pay attention and listen to the person, instead of not focusing and being busy thinking of your next comeback.

Keep an open mind, let them do all the talking first, and you will learn much more about that person, how they think or feel about you, and you will earn their respect as well. If you would be interested in any other useful techniques, let me know! Any special tricks or techniques you use in arguments or debates? Let me know!

Next step: Winning the argument, getting your intended message across, and ultimately influencing!

Arguments are similar to Algebra, at least to me personally; there are countless factors and variables involved that make each argument different in its own way. You just have be able to recognize what the different factors and variables are, before taking action!

Firstly, you have to understand why arguments start in the first place. Common reasons for an argument to take place is to inform, to convince, to explore, and even to make decisions for others. I’ll break down these 4 common reasons of starting an argument.

1. Arguing to Inform – This type of argument involves a statement that can be proved or disproved with facts and evidence. These are arguments of fact. A lot of times, this argument starts out by someone telling another about an even that happened. This is extremely common among conversations of gossip. Countless times, especially in high school, I observed fights over these types of arguments. If you find yourself arguing to inform, or being informed at, remember to just hear the person and their opinion out. Don’t jump in right away.
2. Arguing to Explore – These arguments tend to revolve around definition, or the nature of things. Any issue that needs definition or a reason. An example of this argument could kick off with a question like, “Is shopping considered a sport?”. Whomever thinks that shopping is a sport, would then have to explain exactly why it is to the person that asked. Often the argument will then go into depth exploring all the reasons and factors of why it is or isn’t. These are my favorite types of arguments personally, where you can really get to know a person and their beliefs, as well as expand on your own.
3. Arguing to Convince – This is an argument I find myself getting into frequently. This argument has a lot to do with evaluation – what is the quality of the topic? I find this most typical among disagreements about who is a better sports team, player, coach, trade, the list goes on. Too many times I had argue for and about my Sac Kings, or explaining the dynamics of Soccer here in America. To prove your point, this argument involves you to present criteria and statistics about the person, idea, or event against traditional standards. This type of argument is used not only to settle difference, but to expand what is known, or educating someone to think different.
4. Arguing to Influence others’ decisions – This is also known as “proposing”. What actions should be taken for any given situation. This is where people tend to name viable alternatives and then recommend the other person to take one preferable course of action. Legendary among romantic partners, with arguments centered on “You never do stuff for me anymore” or “I would be nice if you can take out the garbage once a day, instead of once a week.” If you feel yourself going into this type of argument, remember to be very cautious as the subject could be a sensitive one for the person. I have seen many good friends not speak for weeks due to this type of argument.

After you fully recognize each argument, it is extremely critical to enter it with clear and open mind. Sounds simple and obvious, but I am surprised at how often people, myself included, totally don’t abide to this advice. There is usually no positive or mutually beneficial outcome to be had when you enter an argument with the wrong attitude or with high degrees of emotion.

Use conversation voice, and never yell. When you yell, that means you think it is ok to yell at that person, placing you “higher” than him/her. Yelling at a person will not get them to understand you more, but less. Another tip is to frequently reflect and think of what you are being told by the person. This is where you can learn a lot; by actively listening. Thats why we have 2 ears and only 1 mouth.

Following these first steps in any argument will allow you to avoid potential disaster and conflict melt-down and transition it into a mutually benefiting and win-win situation for everyone. I have learned a lot from past arguments, where I have regretted past actions and lost friends. I have taught myself to handle arguments appropriately, especially with those close to me, and I believe these tactics can help you.

Next: Learning from an argument, and making the best out of the situation.

Lets face it, we all have arguments with anybody and everybody, and even with the people we love the most. Some big, alot small; arguments are typical among any human relationship. I for one, am not afraid of arguments like others I know, not because I am an Aquarius (just joking), but because I love to debate and see what others around me think or feel about anything and everything. Arguments do not have to a bad thing, or avoided. You can learn a lot about not only the other person, or the topic at hand, but you can and learn a whole lot about yourself. Its unhealthy to just forget or avoid arguments with people you care about and just bottle up your feelings inside, or even worse, momentarily forget them. Handling these situations effectively is a much needed communication skill.

I am going to write about 3 steps to handling arguments effectively. Arguments can easily be a win-win situation for both people involved. Not only can you have happier relationships, but you will solve conflicts much more efficiently without wasting emotion, time, and feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Most of all, you will be more happy and content with no regrets about your relationships.

The first step will be posted shortly, and Steps #2 and #3 will be posted throughout this week.

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to help your arguments among your own personal relationships (friends, family, GF or BF, colleagues, etc) NOT random strangers. I do not recommend wasting any time arguing with people that do not matter to you. With me personally, 99.9% of arguments with people that I am not in an actual relationship with are complete BS and offer no benefits, so I recommend avoiding these situations.